I’d defeated my demons
Alcohol and abuse
I could live again
There was no excuse

My life was back on track
Everything looked good
Family and work
Were shaping up as they should

And then it started
At first I just dreamed
In them I wasn’t me
I was a woman it seemed

Confusing and disturbing
I have to admit
But much less so
Than the nightmares I’d quit

The dreams continued
Increasing in frequency
Disturbing enough
That I kept them in secrecy

Then gradually when awake
Thoughts and feelings would arrive
Recognizably female
As though my sanity to deprive

I spent much time pondering
Trying to make sense
But always seemed to arrive
At an impenetrable fence

I was a man wasn’t I?
That was plain to see
So why did I feel
Like a woman inside of me?

The memories of the abuse
Hadn’t surfaced til I was ready
But I hadn’t expected this
I felt anything but steady

The more I explored these feelings
And let them into the light
The more they made sense
And somehow felt right

Could it be
Was it even possible
To be a female in a man’s body
The thought seemed irresponsible

But these thoughts and feelings
Wouldn’t go away
They kept coming back
And started to stay

There were a lot of things
That this could explain
Occurrences and feelings
That had caused me much pain

I talked with my spouse
And professionals too
All the while
Her presence grew

I knew she was real
Before the specialist confirmed
Though it was nice
To have my sanity affirmed

I gave her her name
And knew she agreed
It’s symbolic of honor and victory
Towards which she’ll proceed

But I stand in her way
No, that’s not right
Because she is me
It’s an internal fight

I’d fought my whole life
For relationships and success
To throw it all away now
Would cause such a mess

I have responsibilities and duties
To children and wife
To walk away now
Would cut like a knife

I love my wife
And owe her so much
She’s always been there
When I needed a crutch

But the woman inside me
I cannot deny
To try to suppress her
Would be to live a lie
When I can be her
I am complete, whole
The missing piece is filled
That’s lacking from my life’s role

I know who I am
And I am her
I walk a knife edge
While decisions I defer

Any actions must wait
For reasons untold
Til future events
Have time to unfold

Then the time will come
For a decision I dread
I’m fearful of that day
To unsure to look ahead

I can become completely her
walking away from my old life
Though that path
Would cost much grief and strife

I can go back to just him
Putting her back to sleep
Though I doubt that would work
She is in me much too deep

Or I can compromise
Walking the edge of a knife
And keep going on
Leading a double life

Two delicate hearts
I hold in my hands
Not sure I can save both
From conflicting demands

One needs the woman
The other the man
Should I be selfish
Or surrender who I am

I am lost, adrift
Knowing only for sure
Though in pain and alone
That I am her