Who am I

I was so sure

I knew that once

But it was before her


Now I don’t know

But it seems to be

That everyday

I become less of me


She’s taking over

That much is certain

I’m not sure how long

‘til my final curtain


I don’t sleep much now

Because I’m afraid

To lose any hours

Before I just fade


There are times that I wish

I were just losing my mind

But I really know

The universe isn’t that kind


My life was finally on track

And then she awoke

As if I’m being used

For some cruel joke


Now I’m in between

Parts of me already lost

For her awakening

I’ve already paid a cost


I know that she is

Who I should have been

But coming this late

Has caused me to spin


If the abuse hadn’t happened

If she’d stayed awake

If I’d been born a woman

‘What if’s’ are a mistake


The past is the past

And will not change

No matter how hard

We’d like it to rearrange


I’m just not certain

Of who I am now

I’m part the old me

And partly her somehow


I go through this life

Sometimes one, Sometimes another

Mostly lost and confused

Not really one, not really the other


Emotions I feel

Some odd, all intense

Things I’ve not felt before

Some just don’t make sense


Happiness and sadness,

Longings, desire

All so intense

My whole world is on fire


Emotions and feelings

I’ve had them before

But her freedom to feel them

Has knocked me to the floor


I know in the end

She will hold sway

I’ll just be boxed up

And put away


I’m afraid of dying

Surrendering my time

Knowing even that as her

That time is still mine


I’d like to let go

Let her have her way

But there are reasons just now

That I have to stay


By my fingernails I’m hanging

To stay just a little longer

To settle some things

And let her grow stronger


At least letting go

Would end the pain

Of wondering every day

If I could remain sane


From moment to moment

Being him, being her

I don’t know who I am

My identity’s a blur