Woman Trapped in a Man’s Body??

Woman Trapped In a Man's Body?

I am a
heterosexual man who has fully crossdressed (part-time) as a woman
for the last five years. Unlike many other crossdressers I did not
start by borrowing female relatives clothes when I was a small child.
I was a late bloomer and only considered what it might be like in my
forties. Then I started underdressing in women's lingerie. This is a
common way for crossdressers to begin. Women's panties (so much more
comfortable) were all I would dare to wear for probably twenty years.
I have to admit I enjoyed going shopping for them in person, it
definitely had an exciting element to it.

Much has been
written recently about gender dysphoria (loosely meaning wanting to
be the opposite gender) and how this society deals with it. Gender
dysphoria does exist, as a crossdresser I have seen it with my own
eyes. For clarity it may be useful to describe a continuum along
which people find themselves. At one end are straight heterosexual
men (gay men are on a different continuum) who are attracted to only
women and for whom thoughts of being or dressing as the opposite sex
are the furthest thing from their minds. Move further along the
continuum and you will find crossdressers. These are heterosexual men
who are generally not effeminate but still want and sometimes
desperately need to dress and behave as women, “present as a woman”
is what they call it.

Obviously, the
vast majority of men are heterosexual masculine men. However,
researchers at the Kinsey Institute believe that five to ten percent
of men have engaged in crossdressing as a woman. For most of those
men who crossdress it is not a fleeting desire. This is not something
that occurs one Saturday afternoon and never reappears. It will stay
with them all their lives and if they cannot do it due to a
disapproving wife, for example, they are put under tremendous stress
and eventually it will erupt often ending in family breakup, severe
depression or worse - suicide. Stories are legion about crossdressing
men hiding crossdressing behaviour from significant others and other
family and friends and employers. They do this because they must.
Again I have seen this with my own eyes.

Further along
that continuum are those men who feel enough angst, stress and gender
dysphoria that they want to live full time as women. They make a
wholesale change in their lives, leave the male persona behind
(although not the body) and become “women”. They will dress
exclusively or most of the time as women do and try to emulate their
behaviour and mannerisms. This includes adopting a woman's way of
walking with shorter, softer steps and one foot in front of the other
to make the hips sway as well as voice changes.

Furthest along
the contiuum are those men who desperately want surgery to remove the
male genitals they profess to hate. Yes I have heard some express
this sentiment with my own ears. They face the prospect of a
difficult and sometimes dangerous surgery stoically believing that
with a man-made vagina, breasts and estrogen therapy they will live
happily ever after. That remains to be seen. I have seen examples of
all these types up close and personal. Believe me, they are real,
they do exist.

This continuum
progresses from no crossdressing to mild crossdressing (very mild
dysphoria) to an almost complete change of lifestyle but no physical
changes (more severe dysphoria) to making a major change in not only
presentation and behaviour but severe changes made to the physical
body (extreme dysphoria). I say that I suffer from mild dysphoria
because I would be unhappy if I couldn't do it but not suicidal. The
point is that for most CD girls they do not want to progress any
further than part time crossdressing, there is no need, no desire, it
is enough. I have written articles elsewhere where I explain that
crossdressing periodically is enough, I do not want to live my life
as a woman full time and I most certainly am not interested in any
life changing surgery. The more extreme activists do not accept this
and say society is inhibiting me and other crossdressers. Don't
believe it for a second. Unfortunately, the more extreme activists
often get the floor to the detriment of others.

For me
presenting as a woman is an important part of my life, it is not a
fleeting, once in a while thing I do at say Halloween although many
start there. I crossdress every week and I go out in public
crossdressed at least once a month and often more times than that.
Yes, presenting as a woman. Lest you think I am an effeminate, soft
spoken, walks softly (but doesn't carry a big stick) shy fellow given
to reading Cosmopolitan and hanging on every word the fashion
magazines say, I'm sorry to disappoint you – that is not me.

When not “En
Femme” (dressed as a woman) as it is called, I'm pretty much a
“guy's guy”. I don't speak softly, I am direct and (here is the
big one) I'm definitely not gay. I have nothing against gays but I am
not one of them. You say that's impossible? No, it is true. In fact,
I can tell you by far, most MtF crossdressers are not gay. Most
profess to adore women and if they are like me that is definitely
true. They are not gay, most are married or have a significant other
like I do (a female). Oh and besides crossdressing my hobbies are car
racing, shooting and hockey.

You should not
be surprised to learn that I do have friends who also crossdress.
While some have been part time “dressing” for a very long time
there are always newcomers arriving on the scene. And I can also tell
you that some crossdressing men are so good at what they do that they
easily “pass”. This means that it is hard to tell that they are
really men. The goal of most crossdressers is to “pass” whether
closeup or from afar (remember MASH's Corporal Klinger?). However,
my own feeling is that this is for fun and people should not get
hungup on passing although it is hard not to. Some of the MtF
dressers I know do exquisite makeup. They look like they were made up
by a Hollywood movie studio pro. I wish I were that good.

Men are
different from women obviously. If you went into a room filled with
MtF crossdressers the first thing you would notice is that they are
mostly giant women. Of course. Men are taller and more broad
shouldered than cis-women. But sadly they lack the wonderful hips
that make the quintessential human female. I downplay my big
shoulders by often wearing a light jacket in light colours which
helps. Also long hair cascading over the shoulders disguises the
broad shoulders somewhat.

I'm six feet
tall and with Mary Jane shoes on add two more inches. Wearing heels
I'd be six feet four or more. Yes giant women. We can't help that.
But we can help in the hip department. I have often preached this to
other CD girls. To look like a woman you absolutely MUST wear hip
padding. I have some hip pad garments just under an inch thick and
wear them over pantyhose but under my skirt. It works very well.
Straight hips on a CD girl are a dead giveaway that she is not really
female especially with a skirt.

So why do we do
it? Why do heterosexual men want to dress as and act like women?

Let's get
something out of the way right now with some simple biology. None of
us can change our genes or chromosomes. All of us start out in our
Mom's uterus as girls and those with XX chromosomes go on to become
real girls in all their loveliness. Somewhere along the way those
with XY chromosomes diverge and become boys. Ever wonder why we males
have useless nipples? That is why – we started out as girls. Still
it is true that every one of our cells has our specific chromosomes
and will for all our lives.

So far so good.
The vast majority of humans generally acknowledge there are men and
women, two sexes. Is there a third? The chromosomes would suggest no
but we know that some men do suffer gender dysphoria (let's leave
women with gender dysphoria out of this for today). Nobody really
knows why but we know that hormone levels do vary between individuals
and also as we age. Relative testosterone levels drop as men age.
That is the nature part of “Nature/Nurture”. Elevated estrogen
(both men and women have estrogen and testosterone surging through
their systems) in some men may bring on the urge to crossdress. It's
a theory.

The other part
is obviously “Nurture”, how our parents, siblings, friends and
enemies affect us. Research seems to show that boys gravitate to
typical “Male” interests. Mechanical things, playing cops and
robbers. Girls seem to gravitate to the helping or caring
professions. These trends aren't written in stone but they have
generally stood the test of time. That said it is not hard to find
examples of little boys who, from an early age clearly preferred
playing dolls with girls, dressing in girls clothes rather than
spending time with boys shooting the puck around. Okay, okay, I know
some women love hockey. But you get my drift.

These young
lads, after being teased or often even bullied (very likely) at
******, will usually end up on the far end of the continuum, living
as women. For an example of this checkout the lovely Stana at
Femulate.org. So what caused these boys to be like this? We don't
really know. Nature or Nurture or both? Would conversion therapy
help? Aside from the fact that it is illegal in Canada I really doubt
that it would change anything for people wanting/needing to switch
genders or for gay people. It would likely serve to make them even
more miserable. Sadly, I have seen people openly weep at meetings
over their gender dysphoria. It is hard to witness.

Although many
crossdressers start out at an early age (some claim at five or six
years) I did not. I'm a very late bloomer but that is ok. My mother
did not dress me as a little girl. She dressed me as a boy. There are
all sorts of different stories on this score. Many start young but
most start far younger than I did. So go figure. Starting out in this
business can be very unsettling as one deals with many different
feelings and certainly early on “Should I be doing all this?” we
ask ourselves. I suppose I wondered at times why I do this but I
never felt the guilt and shame that so many others seem to feel over
crossdressing. Aside from that the stress of thinking about leaving
the “closet” is just unbearable for some. Many stay in the closet
dressing only at home alone and never ever venture out. I can attest
to the great difficulty of trying to get other MtF dressers to come
out and join us in public – they are often very, very reluctant.
Try pulling hen's teeth instead.

Some athletes
have appeared in recent years who have changed genders, Bruce Jenner
for example. This has caused great consternation when we are
presented with Male to Female (MtF) competitors who are quite happy
to compete head to head with genetic girls/women. J.K. Rowling and
others have attracted huge criticism for publicly decrying this. Is
it fair for genetic men, with superior strength even though they are
presenting as women to compete heads up against genetic women with
decidedly less physical strength and speed? I think not.

I love watching
our women's national hockey team beat the US team but clearly neither
has the strength and speed of the respective men's teams. It is
surprising to me that things have gone this far. Some say that when a
man tries to become a woman his physical strength will remain
superior for about 15 years which is probably longer than many
athlete's careers anyway.

Another gender
issue bedeviling Canadian society is what to do with convicts who
declare a different gender from the one they are convicted in. This
works to the detriment of female inmates when a convicted sex
offender declares himself to now be a woman and requests a transfer
to a womens' facility. And generally the Canadian Correctional
Service will comply with often terrible results for female prisoners.
This is surely not right. This needs to change.

Part of my need
to crossdress is to write about it, tell my side of the story so to
speak and let others know that their feelings are not so unusual. It
is important to let other MtF crossdressers know that they are not
alone even if they decide to never come out of the closet. To that
end I took on the Presidency of a local crossdresser's club after
Covid restrictions eased. I did the job for maybe going on 3 years.
We had lots of fun, discovered how much we had in common and tried to
help others break free of the negative stereotypes of your garden
variety crossdresser. I think I was reasonably successful given this
still controversial subject. At least we kept the club going.

I have written
extensively on international crossdressing websites like
CrossDressingHeaven and ClubCrossDressing about these issues. Much of
what I have said above is anathema to some of the people in the
transgender community. Especially for those who are the most
commited. While I am sympathetic to their need to deal with the
dysphoria I cannot in all good conscience agree that a MtF athlete
should compete against a genetic woman in, say, the Olympics.
Likewise, I cannot agree that a MtF convict should ever be transfered
to a women's prison. And I certainly do not support the Canadian
taxpayer paying for a prisoner's gender reassignment surgery (30 to
40 thousand dollars) when many taxpayers are having enough trouble
putting food on the table in front of their children.

I quarantee
that saying these things publicly will draw the ire of the
transgender crowd for I have already seen it in spades and felt the
intense heat of their outrage. It seems these issues cannot even be
discussed between supposedly rational adults. This is not the way our
modern society was built. This is not a good thing and it needs to
change. But it gets worse. I dare anybody to say to a transgender
“woman” that she is not a woman because she is still biologically
a man even though she presents successfully as a woman. You may not
live to tell the tale.

Lest anyone
think that I am not sympathetic to the gender dysphoria problem some
people feel I assure you that I am. I do not wish to see anyone live
with the anxiety, stress and unhappiness of feeling they are trapped
in a man's body when they are actually mentally female (or vice
versa). But there are ways of dealing with this without society going
off the deep end.

The people in
our club have never had a negative encounter out in public. I can
vouch for that. In fact, as one of our members says, “You will find
you will get treated better in public as a female than as a male.”
Dressing in short skirts I like to show off my legs and in public
especially in blond hair you will definitely get attention (at least
visual). However, and I stressed this to our members when I was
President, MtF crossdressing is still somewhat controversial. Just
because you haven't had a problem yet doesn't mean you will never
have one. So I counsel caution and practise situational awareness
when you are out in public and even in some private encounters. Most
cis-women know this instinctively. Be careful.

So what about
the wives of crossdressers? It is very common for wives or the S.O.
to NOT be told about this phenomenon. They usually find out by
accident as mine did. And then the proverbial “stuff” hits the
fan. The first question will be “Are you gay?” We know most
aren't. Then the wife realizes there IS another woman involved but
that woman is actually her husband. It gets complicated. Why didn't I
tell my wife when I started? I was afraid of what her reaction might
be. I suppose this is standard fare.

In truth in the
early days I wouldn't have called myself a crossdresser but it tends
to escalate. One thing leads to another then another. Once he sees
how good his legs look in pantyhose and a short miniskirt it can go
nowhere but upward. I wouldn't have called myself a crossdresser for
just underdressing (women's lingerie under a man's typical dress) but
with pantyhose, miniskirt, breastforms and bra and finally a long
blond hairpiece I knew I was hooked. BTW underdressing is common in
budding crossdressers. For me it escalated in only a handful of
years, maybe from simple underdressing to 5 years later full blown
crossdressing.

How do wives
handle this discovery? Most not very well. I have been told that I am
blessed for having a wife who is reasonably accepting and supportive.
Many wives are horrified by the discovery and, yes, I have seen and
heard this. The discovery often can lead to a quick ultimatum such as
“I don't ever want to see you dressed like a woman ever again”.
Yes this does happen. And then the dysphoria sets in. Probably in
spades because we know the need to crossdress does not ever go away.
Never. Period. If it is not dealt with in some satisfactory way like
some kind of compromise, the relationship is likely headed for the
rocks.

The bottom line
is that cis-women want “their guy”, not a crossdresser who may
end up looking more feminine and sexy than the wife does. This does
happen. Competition can be deadly and it can be ticklish sorting this
out. It is made worse by the fact that many CD girls are extremely
careful with their dressing and usually develop a strong fashion
sense. This may clash with the wife's lifestyle especially if her own
dressing is not much of a priority. As I said above, be careful.

I am leaving
the best part for the last. Is there a sexual element to
crossdressing? Yes, I think there is. For my own dressing up as a
woman my need is to look attractive, even sexy, which is why I always
wear pantyhose and generally a tight miniskirt at mid thigh (about
which my wife complains “Too short”). I get lots of compliments
on my legs so I love to show them off. Plus a fairly fulsome bust.
And, of course, every CD girl checks herself out in the mirror to
make sure her look is right before she goes out. I have written
extensively elsewhere (checkout Fatima Abrams-Cohen online at
******************) that CD girls should dress the way they feel not
their age. Do not dress to fit in with your age group because you
feel it's an obligation. It is not.

For me going
out in public en femme IS definitely a turn-on in that if I'm dressed
to my satisfaction and I know I look good I will get lots of looks in
a place like a shopping mall or e.g. Costco. It does give me a sense
of self satisfaction, even excitement, even if it's not orgasmic.
Crossdressing for me and others I know does not seem to be a sexually
arousing experience. It just isn't. It is the feeling of looking good
and being attractive to others that is the payoff. However, I have
read that some crossdressers do enjoy having sex while dressed en
femme, so go figure.

Of course, most
CD girls do want to be noticed, not harassed, but definitely noticed.
Compliments are appreciated and most CD girls will get some. Sexual
come-ons I have never seen up close and personal so I can't
definitely say how I would react but really, I would likely be polite
and say “Thank you, but no thanks”.

Some readers
are probably asking themselves, “Does she/he use the Men's or the
Ladies?” Our local police department has actually told us to use
the Ladies loo when en femme. I definitely do this. Some places where
they have Unisex washrooms it's not an issue but lots do not yet. I
admit to walking into the ladies en femme utterly towering over two
cis-women going in. I don't think it's much of an issue – if it
were legislated it would be very hard to enforce anyway. Besides, the
Ladies usually have better mirrors so I can do a proper comb out of
my long tresses for maximum effect.