First Day at the Gender Counsellor

So ChatGPT has finally given up on me and said "Seriously girl, I've got nothing left to give. You need to talk to a real person about this now".

So Friday morning I have my first appointment with a gender counsellor.

They're hard to come by it seems. I've messaged 4 and only one had any space. I'm in the wrong game.

This wasn't really the plan when at the end of last year I ended a long-term relationship and said well, what if instead of just crossdressing in private I explore that feminine expression a bit more?

What if I decorate my new flat in pink and flowers and a fairy light curtain?

Yep, that feels good.

What if I finally start dating guys? That feels good too.

What if I wear that flowery jumper and those girly shoes to work? Heaven.

So here I am 8 months later openly bi and wearing pink t-shirts and bracelets and flowery shoes and, when I dare, my pride and joy daffodil-yellow DKNY handbag.

But it's still acceptable. It's not crossdressing, it's a guy with a more feminine style. And excusable - with a wave of the hand - oh he's bi, he likes a bit of everything, that's why he dresses like that. Ok, cool.

But hormones? Surgery? Physical, visible, irreversible changes? Shit.

That's not what I signed up for. Damn fairy light curtain turned out to be a gateway drug.

I'm lucky to live in a very progressive society and have really accepting, liberal friends. But this? At my age?? What will I tell my family? Everyone will think I'm a freak!

Shit.

I don't know if I have the courage to live with the inevitable hate and stigma. And I'm not going to do what I want because it's too dangerous is a perfectly valid choice.

But I don't think I can be one choice away from feeling so me and not take it either.

I know what I want. I want hormones and bottom surgery and maybe a nice semi-permanent wig, then I"m good. I don't need to try and pass as a woman, I'd be happy non-binary. I'd be me.

I read Julia Serano's account of taking hormones. Feeling more emotionally attuned, feeling attraction differently, feeling more sensitive, skin and features getting softer, and was screaming inside oh my god I want that!

So let's see what Friday brings.