The Wife Finds Out

There has been a lot written about crossdressing as an art form, as a social activity, and as a hobby/fetish/perversion/past-time, lol. Not much has been written about how men deal with their wives, girlfriends, or significant others regarding crossdressing. I was moved to write this piece by some comments made here about anxiety and outright fear. More on this below.

I must divulge my personal situation as background. I became a full-fledged MtF crossdresser later in life. Unlike many others, I had no inkling as a younger person that I would be doing this while I mainly live as an often macho “guy's guy,” but I do—and I love it. Oh yes, do I ever. I cannot imagine not being able to go out as a sexy woman (well, my version) in public anymore. The thought of not being able to wear a skirt, pantyhose, a bra, breast forms, a wig, scarf, jewelry, and last but not least, cowgirl boots and some sexy Elizabeth Arden “5th Avenue” perfume would make me deeply unhappy.

For a while, I hid my crossdressing from my wife of thirty-some odd years. This was easy to do, as I own a place in lake country where mostly I go by myself. So, I dressed and took my pictures there in privacy.

I was undone in a peculiar way. I was ordering women's clothes online, and a couple of times my wife opened the parcel when they arrived and discovered I was buying women's clothes. Eventually, she did ask, “Who are these for?” I realized it was time to tell her. We discussed it, and she asked the usual question, “Are you gay?” Nope, not gay! “Why do you want to do it?” Gee, I'm not sure, really. “You sure you're not gay?” Yep, I'm not gay.

Now, some may say that as a man's testosterone declines with age, he becomes interested in crossdressing. It's a natural development. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that there are plenty of younger men who like to crossdress, and they probably have plenty of male hormone. Others, even members of my crossdressing club, say, “We love women so much, we just want a little of that adulation for ourselves.” That may be so too. Regardless of the reasons we do it, there are a lot of men who love to dress like women or, more correctly, present as women. And it is usually done toward more dramatic, sexier, tighter, form-fitting clothes. I know I prefer that.

What I really wanted to talk about was how a crossdressing guy should deal with the woman in his life, or even how she should deal with him. It is only fair to tell a woman that you are getting romantically involved with that you are a crossdresser. It is only fair. I do know some men who have divulged that they are CD girls, and the woman promptly loses interest in the budding relationship and leaves. Well, so be it, I think. But there are women out there who can take it in stride and not blow up what could be a great relationship. It takes patience—lots of patience.

It seems to me that the most common situation is older men who have long been married and often have children. For whatever reason, he may develop his interest in crossdressing in his 50s or 60s. I did. This makes things a whole lot more complicated. Both people have a lot invested in the relationship—typically years, maybe decades. They probably have a loved one they don't want to lose, plus a house/property and mortgage to complicate it even more. So the question becomes, “Should I tell her?” or “How do I hide my dressing from my wife?” This is where things get tricky. For me, even with a place in the country, my wife still found out; I was just lucky that she has a healthy attitude about it. Other dressers have told me I am blessed.

I can tell you that my anxiety level dropped precipitously after I discussed it with her and saw she was generally okay with it. I didn't have to hide it anymore, and I brought most of my girly stuff into the city, where I can make much better use of it. I have modeled some outfits for her to comment on before I go out; her comments are appreciated. However, I still like my skirts and dresses shorter than she does. That's okay. This could be an important point if you think your significant other might be accepting of CD girls. You will not know unless you discuss it with her.

Now we come to the sticky part. If you are deathly afraid to tell your significant other because you think she will have a bad reaction, that has to be weighed against your anxiety level and the thought that she might make you purge all your girly stash. How would that make you feel? Not very good, I will bet. Maybe you can give her the benefit of the doubt, and she may surprise you. You may have already had an indication that she is not receptive—perhaps she has already made negative comments about crossdressers. That probably doesn't make you feel great either.

I have had some other CD girls tell me that their wives say to them, once they find out, “You can crossdress, just don't let me ever see you dressed like a woman.” So, this makes me wonder if both sides now have a problem that will fester like an unlanced boil. It is far-fetched to believe that this situation will get better. It may fester for years, with both sides building resentment. It will very likely get worse.

I have also read accounts of some wives or significant others finding out and virtually immediately packing the poor lad's girlstuff up along with his nightshirt and saying, “I want you out ASAP.” There isn't much you can do with a woman like this. And ask yourself, would you really want to stay married to somebody like that? I wouldn't.

Let me end on a happy note. We know that the need to crossdress does not go away even if you purge your girly stash. It will come back. If your significant other says, like some do, “I still want my guy, but let me try to understand this. Maybe we can adapt so that you can do this, and I won't feel threatened by it or that you are going to leave me. Maybe we could even go out to dinner together as girlfriends.” Now you have a gem.

So where do we go from here? Rather than knuckle under and say, “Okay, I won't do my crossdressing anymore,” you might be better advised to communicate with her and say, “I'm not gay, I don't want to get together with a man (unless you really do), and I want to stay with you—you are my wife! We can keep it secret between you and me; the neighbors don't need to know.”

If she says, “I'm really dead set against this. I don't like it, and I don't want you to do it anymore,” if you agree to that, you can be secure in the knowledge that you will become very resentful, and it will affect your relationship with her. In some cases, serious depression could be around the corner for you. You have to be true to yourself in the end.

There is much more to say about this, but one thing I am sure of is that if you are a crossdresser, you won't be happy being kept in a pressure cooker of obedience to your significant other. Open communication is crucial. It's essential for both of you to find common ground and to understand each other's feelings and boundaries.

In conclusion, crossdressing should not be a source of shame or secrecy; it can be a path to greater understanding and intimacy if navigated carefully. Every relationship is different, and there are many potential outcomes depending on how you and your partner choose to approach the topic. Remember, honesty, patience, and empathy are vital tools in this journey.

Ultimately, fostering a positive environment where both partners feel accepted and valued will lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship, allowing both individuals to explore their identities without fear or judgment.