The Feminine Spectrum

The Feminine Spectrum

I was sitting in a gay downtown bar which was close to empty last night (Monday) but there were a few guys there. I was the only crossdresser in the place and I was done-up pretty well, black pantyhose and tall black boots, a silvery spandex short skirt, nice pink blouse with a lovely pink/white scarf shielding my 48 DDs topped by blonde hair with a few spritzes of Elizabeth Arden's “5th Ave” perfume, nice makeup too. I was waiting for another dresser to join me. She was visiting from Canterbury, England and I had not met her before. Before she arrived one of the men passed by my table and said to me “My, you do smelllovely”. Hmmmm, kinda made my evening. I knew I looked like a woman out on the town and if I kept my cake-hole shut maybe I could pass from a distance, lol. My friend arrived and we had a lovely chat about crossdressing in the UK and North America, it was fun. We hadn't met before but as dressers we already had so much in common. I discovered we were actually quite similar in interests and our love of presenting as women. All I've said above has today made me think about my life and how we crossdressers fit into the larger world out there. I do recommend reading the book “My Husband Betty, Love, Sex and Life With a Crossdresser” by Helen Boyd. Her story is thus, she meets, marries her guy and discovers he is on a roller coaster but one that is moving very fast from Male to Female. In other words he is becoming more and more a woman leaving behind the guy she loves and married. He wants her to order for them both in a restaurant, typically the guy's bailiwick. My feeling is this can be very, very tough sledding. I feel for her guy and for her too. She didn't bargain for this but she's got it anyway. He probably didn't know he was going to be taking them both on this ride either. 

So how does this relate to me and the rest of us crossdressers. Boyd makes the point that there seems to be a continuum on which we crossdressers/transpeople fit some where. We know some men just go headlong into changing completely who they are. They want to be and can live as women (perhaps without the having babies/menstruation bit). I know of some here who are in that space. That is one extreme end of the spectrum, most of us are scattered along the range between that and the otherend say, being a lad who tries on girl's panties and never, ever goes into that dark, dark and fetid place again. OMG, did I just say that?

From the wonderful and often exhilarating experience of slipping on silky satin or nylonladies panties (which is what led me to my downfall) going further is moving you along the scale towards total abandon. For me it was a slippery slope and once on it I found it very hard to recover. But even when I say that now I never really thought about recovery for I had no thoughts about returning to my straight existence. I suspect for most crossdressers it is like this. They start small (establish a collection of lovely panties) then move a little further by buying that first bra. Ok, so what are you going to put in the bra? Panties? They will do in a pinch but really youneed silicone forms and there are vendors who will help out our budding dresser with them. He is moving towards the center of thespectrum but has a long way to go still. How  far will he go? It seems most crossdressers will buy all the clothing they need plus forms and perfume and shoes and makeup to allow for a reasonable female presentation in the mirror. I did all that. Wanting to look good in front of the mirror was enough for awhile but eventually it wasn't enough for me. It seems many (most?) crossdressers stop at this point meeting the concrete wall of The Wife and the fear of being found out. They may look like a million bucks in the mirror but nobody else sees them which in itself seems rather sad. To each his or her own, though. We all need to balance our desire to dress as a woman with the desire to keep everything else (family, job) on an even keel. I do get that. So this describes a point somewhere in the middle perhaps. A long way from the lad who was seen off by the panty try-out and the transgirl who now lives as a woman. I think I have found myown balance in life. I have found some friends with whom I can share my crossdresser thoughts and do things with en femme. The odd solo trip en femme seems to be enough for me too. I enjoyed it just as I enjoyed meeting my English friend last night in public over a cool beverage. But it is enough. I won't be moving further along the continuum. 

Last night as I walked back to my car I realized I was taking shorter, softer steps as I walked. I loved the sound of my feminine boot-heels clicking on the pavement. I felt my hips swaying a little from side to side and sadly there was no-one there to see. I think I'm a bit of a show off. I'm a crossdressing man (with an understanding wife) who likes to go out in public en femme but I think that is where it ends. When I think of going further it dawns on me that the rest of my life just doesn't computeen femme. Not at all. I like the feel of a wrench or ratchet or the plasma cutter in my hand. I like the pop it makes when I light up my acetylene torch. I won't ever be climbing up into my backhoe dressed en femme. And I won't ever be assembling an engine in my shop en femme where my hands are greased, nicked and looking pretty male. And yet I love both sides of my life. Oh and BTW I like ordering for my wife in a restaurant.

Love, Brianna-Leah