Get an even suntan on your back, and on your legs…

Well, here we are and the weather’s warming up – just enough for us to dare to wear that skimpy dress we got from the charity shop in December (you remember - the one you told the shop assistant would look great on your wife as a surprise Xmas present…oh, and those fabulous red heels would go great with it as well, so of course you just had to buy those…)
Anyway, here we are in front of the ubiquitous mirror, our makeup carefully layered on, our blond wig in place, the dress lowered gently over our head, momentarily blocking out what is bound to be an incredibly sexy vision. We don’t open our eyes while it’s pulled down, though, eking out the moment, tugging it lovingly over our hips, wiggling so that it sits properly, hugging our butt.
There. Oh.

In front of us stands…what is it? What’s wrong? You mean, apart from those horizontal bands showing the paleness of our upper arms, our thighs from just above our knees and our feet to a good couple of inches above the ankle?
Damn those rare days when it gets a teensie bit warm and all the blokes in the country grab the opportunity to go outside wearing T-shirts, long shorts and (definitely a faux-pas…) sandals with socks! Now it’s coming back to burn us, just as, unawares to us, the sun burned those indelible tan lines into our body.
I cannot wear a dress with spaghetti straps over a chest which proudly bore the logo of Jack Daniels on its T-shirt just a month or so ago. I cannot wear a dress which lovingly falls to just below my bum exposing an area which looks like it’s been used to wearing a pair of Aunty Jane’s directoire bloomers to protect my modesty. I cannot wear bright red heels with white ankles, it’ll look like I’m walking on the Polish flag…
Too late. We should have foreseen such a thing. It’s not enough to keep your body fuzz-free by pretending you compete in cycle races when you’re really down the pub with your mates… No. You have to know, at least six months in advance, what fashions you’re likely to wear later, when you get the chance, and consciously prepare your body for it. Ideally, you should join a nature club, previously called a nudist colony (feel free to take wifey along so she’ll know you’re serious about it…). That way you’ll acquire the requisite all-over tan without arousing suspicions. Failing that, become a football supporter – the ones behind the goal always seem to take their shirts off…
And, we cannot stress this enough, stop

wearing socks with sandals!