Where is my road leading?

Where is my road leading? As a young boy age of 9, I started cross dressing, of course sneaking and trying on my sister's dresses, then her panties and finally everything. I felt very comfortable and girly. I would play with the girls, paper dolls, jump rope, the works. At 15 I was molested by seniors in high ******," but kind of liked it". So the second time, a while later wasn't so bad. I joined the navy and everything seem to normalize, my manhood was back. Dating girls and moving on with male pleasing memoirs. After my navy days, young and trying to earn a living my mind begin to wonder back to my past. I started to shave my body, purchase panties, hosiery and slowly desired my feminine feelings again. I dated girls and drift back and forth feminine to masculine roles. Then I met the girl of my dreams, we married and started a family. Everything was wonderful, good job, great family life and involved with the children sports and ****** activities. Very involved with the church, family and friends. But my over night business trips, my idle moments in hotel begin to bring back desire to cross dress. Once again, I would look forward to those trips away to fulfill my secret desires. When dressing on those trips I would often think of going to gay bars searching out my hidden desires to be with men. But that didn't happen, " thank the good Lord". After many wonderful years with my wife, she passed. Our love was a story book and nothing in my life will every change that. We talked about some of my personal issues over many years. Although she didn't approve, we left it at the door. She said on several occasions, if those issues persist then I was free to make my life, but not with her. I respected her wishes and never pursued my feelings because my love for her was so strong. She trusted me and I her. She passed not too long ago and I miss her terribly! However our final days together she said to me, fill your dreams, you're alive and healthy. I'll be there for you when your day arrives. 

So now I'm alone and single. I've dated several women but the connection simply isn't there. So I'm back to cross dressing everyday in my home, feeling more feminine and the desire to go further, push the limit. When out and about I where panties under my man things. I'm working hard with makeup and poise. Walking in high heels, exercises, moisturizes etc. As I pursue these new adventures and work to improve my female connections, my thoughts are moving more deeply into the desire for breast, softer features, I guess the works. My desire for love has shifted from Bi to only men. I find myself at the crossroads of, who and what am I? Was I always gay or has my journey brought me here. Was my cross dressing the path to Trans or was my identifying as female always directed me to today. This has been a story that is riddled with ups and downs. There seems to be no logical ending. So where is my story going? I have 3 children, 4 grandchildren and 9 great grand children. How will my story affect them should the truth come out. Being quiet, everything will be fine, business as usual. If I come out explaining my complicated life style, I'm not sure what the outcome will be.

This would be a simple decision if it were simply cross dressing, but it's not and I know that. Other more pressing issues lay below the surface. My life has been a beautiful one, filled with love, respect and of course trust. No therapist can weave a simple solution to a very complex issue. 

Many of you in this beautiful community have similar complexities and must figure where you are and what your final path will take you calmer seas. For me, it's a bit more complicated. Cross dresser or Trans, Gay -Bi- or whatever. Am I ready to accept my final destination regarding that fork in the road. I look at each of you in this community and marvel at the love, the feeling of belonging and accepting each other. I am happy to be here sharing my life and thoughts with you. My journey is not completed and my struggles are scary. But somehow, for now with each of you I feel safe and loved. Where ever my final road ends up I know it will be the right solution to a very complex, often bumpy and lonely ride.  

I hope you found this writing encouraging, thoughtful and a bit challenging. I hope your take way is a reminder we all have different paths, with different situations, and of course different solutions. I love you all!