A Different Kind of Sleepover

This is my actual bed. I was so happy when I got that floral set and fairy light curtain. I still wake up in the night sometimes, see the flowers and smile.

Next weekend I'm sharing it with my friend. I guess that's what I call him.

We dated at the start of the year. I took the train to his city to meet him and booked a hotel. We spent the afternoon and evening together and within a few hours he said you're not really bi are you? I mean you are bi, but really you're a trans woman.

I present as a cis guy with a feminine style, but far from actually crossdressing. We'd met on an ordinary LGBT dating site and I hadn't said anything. Sometimes he just sees me, and validates me like no-one else. If I send photos in wigs and makeup, he tells me I'm beautiful.

I went back to his (keeping this tasteful for the admins) but afterwards stayed in my hotel anyway. I'd paid for it, I like hotels, and I wanted some time to wriggle my toes and go OMGOMGOMGOMG.

The next morning we met up again, went for breakfast and wandered round the shops. He picked out dresses that would suit me, held them up against me and told me how good I'd look in them. I was in love.

When I got back to London I recorded him a video note saying how much I'd enjoyed the weekend, how I really liked him, and showing him my room and my flat.

He never watched it because it was "really long". It was 3 minutes.

He came to stay with me for Valentine's weekend. He phoned me when he got back to his city, saying how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me again, and can he stay again in a couple of weeks. I said YES, ANYTIME! Then the next day he blocked me and didn't speak to me for 2 months.

It's not that he's a bad person, he's absolutely not. It's just that everything is about him and what caught his attention right now, in the same way it is for a 5 year old. I wish I could get the attention and desire again that I got on that first date. This is why girls hold out.

You wouldn't know it if you met me in day to day life, but I'm very submissive. My friends tell me I shouldn't waste my time with him, that I shouldn't be such a doormat. But they don't know how much I enjoy being picked up and put down like a toy.

And the way I work with consent is it's either wherever, whenever, however, or not at all. I don't really do in-betweens there, and he walks right through my walls. So I'll let him use me again.

The feminist in me hates the implications of my being both submissive and femme. I don't believe that women are naturally, or should be, submissive. Femininity is just a nicer vehicle for who I am.

Sometimes I wonder whether my femininity is the submissiveness in me trying to get out, or whether my submissiveness is the femininity in me trying to get out.

Or maybe they're two separate things.

He's staying Friday - Monday.