My Femininity Map

Hi everyone, hope you’re all good! (and if you aren’t, please reach out to someone; don’t suffer alone – we’re all here to support each other)
I’d welcome any comments on my thoughts below; supportive, constructive criticism, additional insights, or robust challenge – it’s all good!

A few short weeks ago (but decades in the building) I made the decision to unlock the prison cell in which I had been keeping my feminine side locked away for so long, so that it could be free to fully inhabit me, co-exist with me, and merge with me to make a more rounded, richer, and complete person. Since then, I have been surprised and delighted to learn that my femininity is multi-layered, with several different aspects to it; the feeling is a bit like a flower opening its petals when it feels the sun shining on it. These aspects are still growing and developing, but are at a stage where I feel I can define and describe them, which I’ll attempt to do below:

1 – Gender Identity
Gender identity is a subject in which we necessarily take a keen interest; are we this, are we that, did we used to be this and now we are that? Even within the CD community, and in this particular community here, there are sub-sections.

The one that threw me when I filled out the registration card for this club, was Crossdresser / Admirer – I was completely new to the community, and had to make a choice about what I was before I even knew what I was; or what the definitions were, or if the choice I made would be permanent and irrevocable. I’m not sure having to make that choice, when you’re already struggling against some fear to get to the point of joining, is helpful. I chose Admirer, because I didn’t think I was qualified to call myself a Crossdresser; but I still have no idea what the threshold is. And that meant that I came into this space carrying a slight sense of belittlement, which is definitely not helpful.

The truth is, I think I’m both; my crossdressing is currently embryonic, and developing – but it exists. And I also admire crossdressers, particularly having seen the beautiful girls here (which is of course all of you!). I admire other CD’s in an immediate aesthetic sense, but also in an aspirational sense; I’d like to get to a place where I look as good as that. And I’m working on it. And the problem with artificial sub-divisions is that they can lead to elitism, and, I’m sad to report, I have seen some (extremely isolated) instances of that here.

A more general truth (in my opinion) is that everyone on the planet is a mix of several thousand different characteristics, combined in different proportions, and so every one of us is beautifully unique. And so when you start classifying and segregating people based on just one of those characteristics (e.g. gender identity or level of CD-ness), then you reduce that person down to a one-dimensional tick in a (drop-down) box, which I think is slightly dehumanising for all of us. All of us here have one thing in common; our interest in, or love for, crossdressing. But in every other aspect of our lives, we’re as likely to be completely different as we are to be the same – and that is a glorious thing!

For me, gender identity is a sliding scale rather than a series of fixed points; we all have elements of (what would historically have been called) both masculine and feminine attributes as part of our make-up, to a greater or lesser degree. (and I know that it’s more complicated than that, and I don’t mean to exclude or dismiss anyone, and I apologise if I’ve expressed myself badly; not intentional). We’re all on that scale somewhere, and there’s room for everyone to be slightly different to everyone else. And, as we all know, the gender identity you present to the outside world isn’t necessarily the same as the one you feel inside; I’ve never considered myself a ‘manly’ man, and I’ve always preferred the company of women in a social sense, as I’ve always felt slightly inadequate in the company of men. I tend to bond better with women; I used to think that was because I was attracted to them, but I now recognise that it’s more of a ‘sisterhood’ thing – that it’s my femme side reaching out for friendship.

I feel my gender identity changing; the needle is moving. I don’t yet know where it will stop. I’m not sure I’ll ever be passable; I’m not yet sure that I want to be. What I do know is that I’m beginning to feel more and more like a woman with each passing day, and so I want to look more like one as well (rather than just a man in panties and stockings), so I’m going to just see where it takes me, and who I become.

2 – Empathy
I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly empathetic person; If someone says something which I might misinterpret in a negative way, I try and take a breath, imagine myself in their shoes, and try and figure out their motivation for saying it, and then reply to that rather than what they actually said. You might call that intellectual empathy. A few years ago I had a stroke (came out largely unscathed; dodged a bullet), and apparently one of the side effects is being more emotional. That’s certainly the case for me; I will cry at the tearing of an envelope now! I’ve been quite open, in my male persona, about my increased emotional response, and interestingly that’s been universally accepted – how times have changed!

But in my feminine persona, I’m finding that my emotional response is less intellectual and more immediately visceral; when I hear people here describe their pain, guilt, self-doubt, and other consequences of who we are, or I see glimpses of that in their profile pics, I feel the response more than think it – it comes more from the heart, and I just want to hug them and cry with them. And then kiss them and smile with them. And when they tell stories of the triumph of hope over fear, and the elation they feel when achieving a milestone, I feel their joy and cry happy tears.

I’ve been lucky; I haven’t (yet) suffered the trauma of exposure followed by ***********, or the pain of deliberate disclosure followed by rejection, and so those of you who have suffered those things, may feel that invalidates all that I’ve said on the subject, and you may be right. I can’t say that I truly know your pain, but I see it, I recognise it, I respect it, and to the extent that I can, I empathise with it, and if I can do anything to reduce it, I’d be glad to.

3 – Girliness
I’ve been buying panties for a couple of years now, slowly building a collection, only nice pieces, in ones and two’s (generally when they’re on sale!) – but I think I’ve been doing it in a ‘male’ way - I’m not exactly sure what I mean by that, other than it might have been that my selections were maybe based around the sensual effect that I expected them to produce, rather than for the love of the clothes themselves?

But since I’ve decided to fully embrace my femininity, on-line clothes shopping (I haven’t yet dared shop for clothes in the real world) has been a completely different experience; so much more joyous and exciting; as a good friend on here recently put it for me, it’s the fun of selecting the items, the anticipation of delivery, the giddy thrill of arrival and unwrapping, the slow and careful trying on, the delicious feel of all the pretty, frilly, lacy, girly things as you try them on, and the delicious looking forward to what the pictures will look like, and the love you hope to receive from people looking at them.

I’ve found that my emotions at each of these stages is off the scale compared to before; the girly girl in my head (and heart) has been jumping up and down and clapping her hands with excitement. Turns out I love love love shopping for girly clothes! And, now that I’ve (slightly) expanded my wardrobe to include some skirts, and negligees, as well as lingerie, I find that I was completely unprepared for the wave of emotions that swept over me when putting these on for the first time; at times I’ve been close to tears of happiness… Wearing a skirt round the house during the day, feeling the way it sways when I walk, has made me feel so womanly. And going to sleep in one of my nightgowns is so comforting; and even more wonderful to wake up in it the next morning! I feel very much as though I’ve come home – and I find that wearing men’s clothes in public is beginning to feel more and more like a masquerade; a costume to hide the real me. And looking in the mirror and seeing a male stranger instead of the woman I feel I’m becoming, is an unsettling thing.

4 – Sexuality
OK; gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate things, right? But – for some (not all), the act of stepping through the looking glass of the gender divide (or, if you like, escaping from the gender prison) and becoming more feminine – in effect, moving along the sliding scale of gender identity - could also lead to a re-examination of their sexuality.

I’m sure many crossdressers don’t question their sexuality; their sexual compass remains rock solid wherever it was, because for them, it’s not linked to their crossdressing – and that is absolutely fine. But for some, their gender identity and sexuality are intertwined, and so moving the needle on their gender inevitably leads them to re-examine their sexuality – and that’s absolutely fine too. For instance, one might say ‘I like women; I like the way they look., and I find them attractive, and I am attracted to them, both aesthetically and physically. I like the way they look so much, that I want to look like that too. I look at other crossdressers, and I like the way they look; they look like women, and so I find that I’m attracted to other crossdressers’ - It’s not a huge leap, is it?

One of the joys of this club is the wide range of ways we can interact with each other; from serious examination of issues and sharing of vulnerabilities in this blog section, to clubs for those with shared interests, to looking at and complimenting each other’s photos, to chats and messages where we can share our stories, or swap tips on dressing, hair, and make-up (who doesn’t love a girly chat!), or support each other when we’re suffering. It also makes it possible for those who may be questioning their sexuality, to explore how they feel with others, in chat, by experiencing jointly-created fantasies in which they can test the boundaries of what they may or may not like to do, and who they may or may not like to do it with – in effect, to re-draw the map of their sexuality. And they can do all this in a safe environment, risk-free. To ‘model’ in a virtual world, how they may or may not wish to change their interactions in the real world. And that, also, is absolutely fine. I’ve discovered that my sexuality does seem to be linked with my gender identity, and so I am questioning and re-examining it. And again, I don’t yet know what that map will look like when it’s finished; but I am having some fun finding out!

So, that’s the current map of my femininity; it’s a work in progress, so it will change, and grow, with the help and support of all of you here.
Thank you for taking the time to read this; it is appreciated – especially given the length of it! As I said right at the top, comments of any sort are welcomed; because we’re all different, I’m more than happy to be disagreed with. If you’d rather not comment publicly, please feel free to message me privately.

Right; I’m off to look up the word ‘brevity’……
Love, Samantha xx

Acknowledgement - I would like to name-check Brianna-Leah’s blog ‘Why do we crossdress?’, which helped enormously in fine-tuning some of the above thoughts. (for the avoidance of doubt, this acknowledgement does NOT imply that B-L would agree with anything I’ve said).