The Concealed Truth Behind Trans-Attraction and Real Love

As a therapist, I have conducted much research, asked questions and investigated many areas of the Trans spectrum.  In this paper, I aim to dismantle the myth that trans attraction by men is a fetishisation.  I will seek to show how authentic attraction to transgender women is distinct, deeply human, spiritually aligned and leaves trans-attracted men free to love themselves.  The research in this paper is gleaned from many testimonies from real people, and of course, my own experiences within the community.  This article may appeal to some of the admirers here on CCD, so I hope this helps (or not). Please comment if you wish, as your feedback is very important and relevant, good, bad or indifferent.

Introduction

I became interested in this subject after talking to many men who confessed they were attracted to transwomen.  One of the most common misconceptions I encountered in my work with trans-attracted men and women who love them is this: the draw toward a transgender woman is another form of fetishisation.  I used to hear this in my own professional area of psychiatry and often comments in reports and some studies; I’ve even heard trans-attraction likened to a man preferring women of a certain race.

Let's stop and analyse that last analogy, suggesting that the argument sounds convincing, as isn’t attraction just attraction?  Some may suggest that trans-attraction is basically one more ‘fixation’; no different from a preference for slim women or blondes?  The bottom line is far more revealing and deeper.  The reduction of trans-attraction to a fetishisation not only misconstrues men and their lived experiences, but it further discredits transwomen’s authentic worth.

Fetishisation – What it Really Means

The American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology describes fetishisation as: “a material object (e.g., a shoe, an undergarment, an animal fur or hide) or nonsexual part of the body (e.g., a foot, lock of hair) that arouses sexual interest or excitement”.

APA Dictionary of Psychology

This happens everywhere in forms such as racial fetishisation, disability fetishisation and as my title suggests, includes transgender women.  Delving into the subject of sexual desire, all this should be nothing new to us, as humans often project their insecurities or curiosities into sexual desires.

However, fetishisation by its disposition is a dehumanising experience.  The fetishist only sees the attribute and not the whole person; with men who are trans-attracted, this is not what is occurring.  In depth, they are not chasing a ‘trans body’ or even a ‘trans novelty’.  The truth is that they are attracted to transgender women as complete and a multifaceted human being that also happens to be a trans person.

Yes, the distinction is important here as to suggest that every instance of trans-attraction as a ‘fetishisation’ not only ridicules the men who experience it but also ridicules the transwomen and their humanity gets reduced to a label once again.

How is Trans-Attraction Different?

Interactions in my clinic with trans-attracted men and couples facing issues due to trans-attraction have made it clear that authentic trans-attraction isn’t just a curiosity or a passing fixation.  The fact is that cisgender women don’t even appear on their radar as partners at all.  Their desire, affection and long-term compatibility are all heading towards transwomen.

The former makes trans-attraction much more than just a ‘predilection’; it’s an orientation that exists outside of the normal gay/heterosexual binaries.  Predictably, society’s misinterpretation of this generates a great deal of disarray.  Generally, when a man unearths his attraction to transwomen, what follows is self-*********** and shame.  I have spoken with many men, and they all comment that they questioned whether they were gay, broken or just downright perverse.  Of course, my reassurance and explanation of this shows that this belief is simply incorrect and not true.

Furthermore, cheating with a cisgender woman does not stir a man's identity; attraction to a transwoman often does. The existential crisis we alluded to before, of “I must be gay? Am I still a man, and am I lovable?”, is what makes trans-attraction uniquely different from the examples critics often raise.

Labels – Creating Clarity & Confusion

The title here is widely used in my profession, and how we (whether we agree or not) automatically attach these to everything and everyone that exists in our world.  Would it be a fair assumption to suggest that: does identifying as trans-attracted or trans amorous creates a new orientation?  I feel that in some form, yes, it does, as it provides men a safe language to foremost understand themselves.  I return to the labels, such as “trans-attracted”, which are helpful flag posts as they validate an experience that many men often carry around in secret and silence.

The labelling perspective is a sociological theory that explains how being labelled by others can shape a person’s identity and behaviour. It suggests that deviance isn’t just about what someone does, but about how society reacts to it. For example, if people are tagged as troublemakers or criminals, then they internalise that label and start to act in ways that reinforce and live up to that label.  So, showing how those social interactions can create the very deviance they aim to control.

People are put into boxes that don’t fully reflect the actual fertility of who they are; transgender does this same thing for transwomen.  Personally, for me, I attempt to take my own work on this further beyond labels.  For me, the aim is ‘freedom’ and living authentically without fear of what others may say and without this inane clinging to social categories for validation.

This contradiction is very evident in trans communities, as too many trans women rightly reject the gender binary and yet insist on being seen wholly as ‘women’, in so rejecting any nuance that distinguishes their journey from that of cis women.  There may be even some that accuse men who appreciate their trans-ness of fetishisation.  The truth the empowered trans women I have had interactions with tend to embrace the wholeness of their identity without the fear of it being reduced.

The Hypocrisy of the Fetish Metaphor

The accusation of calling all trans-attracted men fetishists often tells us more about the accuser rather than the accused.  Many transwomen who haven’t yet fully accepted they are trans may well feel objectified when a man affirms; if she views her trans identity as shameful, then it would be acceptable in her eyes that anyone who finds her attractive must be fetishising her.

This, in psychological terms, is called projection, which is a defence mechanism where people attribute their own undesirable thoughts, feelings or impulses onto others. In this example, her unresolved acceptance is mirrored back through the man's desire. Of course, I am not stating here in any way that a modicum of fetishisation never exists; of course it does, we are all capable and human.

Nevertheless, there are some men (and women) who still reduce others to a novelty. It should be a cautionary note that decaying all trans-attraction into the novelty category muzzles the many men who are sincerely and broadly drawn to trans women.  More importantly, for transwomen, it denies them the dignity of being loved for the entirety of who they are

A Spiritual Perspective on Trans-Attraction

Spiritually, the attraction between men and transwomen is by no means a random ritual or act.  In my experience with these men, I have concluded that they are vibrational matches for these women; they are drawn together not to immortalise shame, but to reveal the authenticity.  I have witnessed many trans-attracted men affirming the role and qualifying a transwoman’s worth.  Likewise, trans women often catalyse men into deeper self-honesty.

Again, this is not fetishisation, it's an alignment and sovereignty in operation. I would liken this to an evolution of two individuals walking into authenticity, even if this culture and world we exist in doesn’t understand it at this time.

Consequently, I would argue there is a real issue whether trans-attraction is a fetish; the issue is whether men and women are at least willing to live from their authenticity.  This authenticity, I believe, is what collapses and rubs out the shame, heals relationships and creates a love that is authentic and lasting.

Conclusion

I want to conclude this short paper with a sense that we have gone beyond trans-attraction as a fetish but rather a-freedom.  I opened this discussion by stating that fetishisation is reductional and turns people into objects.  I am aware that some men nevertheless may still objectify; most of the alpha males I have met struggle not because they fetishise but because they fear.  These men fear rejection, shame and what their attraction means more about who they are.  To any transwomen reading this, I am sure this may well ring true and seem very familiar.

Labelling them as fetishisers only adds another level of stigma, seeing them as authentically trans-attracted paves their way to healing, as for them and their partners and for the transwomen they love.

To end, ask yourself, is trans-attraction fetishisation?

I sincerely hope that after reading this that answer is no.

I would implore you to look at this through the lens that they are authentically calling to be lived out loud.