my day from hell

I went to see my new doctor this morning for a routine check-up following heart attacks, yes plural last year. things slowly and I mean slowly improving after discussing several things my visit came to an end. as I approached the door to leave she opened it. I said thanks I am looking forward to next month, she shut the door again. and asked why. I told her about the local gender clinic appointment I have coming up. I added I should or at least hope to hear of a date soon. she said she had read about my wishes to be Rachel. I said I was looking forward to getting help with my breasts and figure, hopefully getting onto prescribed hormones. she said I wouldn't hold your breath as they may not be keen on prescribing estrogen. I asked why not to which she replied there is some belief that estrogen and heart problems don't go well together.

I felt the bottom had fallen out of my world. why hadn't I been told this ages ago. I have been looking forward to going to the clinic. I had typed up forms for change of name and the form for change of name and gender ready to be signed by my solicitor. now being told I may not get on the therapy. as walked and crossed the road to the bus stop and burst into tears. I sat on a wall for half an hour tears streaming down my face making the blusher I had put on earlier look a mess. I had gone out looking good and hopeful and happy. now I was going home a mess (inside and out), gutted and crying.

it felt as if my world had been wrenched from me. all the times I had felt down after being taunted by people when I was out paled into nothing. I was thinking, am thinking whats the point. my life to a tee. one step forward half a dozen back. time for my little nest to curl up against my teddy bear and cry myself to sleep. sorry if I seem low. I AM NEVER BEEN LOWER.